"Can I Have Your Body?"

I'm constantly experiencing the challenge not only of learning the Thai language, but also of trying to understand what Thais are trying to say to me in English. One of the main difficulties in understanding English as spoken by Thais is their routine failure to pronounce the endings of English words. "Dance" becomes "dan," for example. In addition, Thais often are unfamiliar with the correct pronunciation of vowels or the proper accenting of words. This can lead to some truly baffling miscommunications.

The most recent example occurred a couple of days ago. I wanted to have Citibank here in Thailand issue a credit card to me to replace an existing one that I had damaged accidentally. Having undergone lengthy and excruciating torture by Citibank over many weeks just to get a Thai credit card in the first place, I decided to enlist the help of my Thai secretary, Khun Air, to get a replacement. Khun Air, who speaks English quite well, agreed, but after a few minutes of speaking to Citibank on the phone, she came into my office and said, "Khun Paul, Citibank wants to speak to you." I went to Khun Air's desk, picked up the phone, and prepared to answer questions aimed at verifying my identity.

To my surprise, the woman from Citibank asked me in English, with great care and clarity, "Can I have your body?" Thinking I surely had misunderstood, I asked her to repeat her question. Once again, she said, "Can I have your body?" At this point, being completely dumbfounded, I turned to Khun Air, who was standing at my side, and said, "She wants my body." Khun Air gave me a very puzzled frown and took the phone from me. After a few seconds of jabbering in Thai to the Citibank representative, Khun Air handled the phone back to me. Between barely controlled giggles, she explained: "Khun Paul, she wants your birthday!"

My King, My King!!

As a Westerner living and working in Bangkok, I've received the usual cultural sensitivity training. I take this stuff seriously, because I don't want to offend anyone, if I can help it. Some of the cautions can be baffling at first, such as a warning not to point your foot at a Buddha, since the foot is considered unclean and insulting in Thai culture. Of course, it's not my habit to use my foot to point at anything, so I figured I was pretty safe in this regard. When touring a Buddhist temple, however, I saw more explicit warnings. Recognizing that many visitors join Thais in sitting on the floor of the temple, the monks had posted signs warning specifically against sitting in a position such that, with legs extended forward or even with knees bent, one’s feet would "point" towards the Buddha at the front of the temple. I suspect there are many other ways one could stumble into an unintentional insult, and I did so today.

We've hired a new attorney in Ford Thailand, and I took her to lunch at a Thai restaurant on the occasion of her first day in the office. We finished eating, and I pulled a wad of Thai currency out of my pocket to pay the bill. When the waitress returned with my change, she pointed under the table and said, "Sir, you drop your money." Sure enough, there was a 20 Baht note lying on the floor, evidently having fallen from my pile of bills. Since I wasn't about to crawl under the table on my hands and knees, I reached with my foot and began pushing the note to where I could reach it. I had made two swipes at it, when the waitress cried out in a shrill voice and in great anguish, "My king, my king!!" and stooped under the table and grabbed the bill. I was stunned, and it was only when she placed the bill on the table and looked at me in dismay that I realized my grave error. By touching the note with my foot, I had dishonored the current Thai king whose face appears prominently on every piece of Thai currency! I apologized to the waitress. She smiled weakly, but the rest of her face betrayed her anger.

As much as I regret this cultural blunder, it could have been worse. In Thailand, the crime of “violating majesty,” which means offending the dignity of a reigning sovereign, carries a minimum sentence of three years imprisonment and a maximum of 15 years. Thailand is one of the few countries where offenses against such a law are still prosecuted. I’ve heard several times already a story illustrating the extremely high regard that Thais have for their beloved king. As the story goes, a Westerner in a Bangkok bar drops a coin and instinctively steps on it to keep it from rolling away. A Thai observing this is so outraged at the disrespect shown by the Westerner in stomping on the king’s head that the Thai pulls a gun and shoots the Westerner dead. I haven’t been able to determine whether this is a true story or an “urban myth,” but I hope never to find out first hand whether its message could be accurate.